i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
