I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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