ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
