You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
