I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
