that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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