he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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