Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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