On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
