is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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