How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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