Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
They took my balls.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
