I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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