This is not my ceiling
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
