You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
