My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
