I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
