Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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