So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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