The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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