ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
if only i could text you this smell
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Randomize
