So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
