our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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