He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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