she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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