happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
