He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
