I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
