So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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