Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
