A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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