Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
