I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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