One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
