Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
