Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
