So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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