you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
