sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
