So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
