I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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