There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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