I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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