I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
