Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
