Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
