i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
