You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Dick very happy bro
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
