I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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