i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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